what i feel? don't pretend like u know.

Had my 3 hours sleep and now wake up with a massive headache. Things get even more complicated. Now my parents is just not the issue. I have issues with myself too. I am not sure what I want. The reason that I want him is just not enough for me to fight. I am too young to carry all of this right now. When all my friends all were having fun, I'm stuck at home crying my heart out. Life is not fair. I want to feel something, to be loved and to love but if this is the price that i have to pay i don't think i can do it. it's too much for me right now.

i don't have enough support and help in this situation. and when i do have, everybody else thought that he's not the person i'm supposed to talk to. I am at my most weakest emotion, i'm vulnerable and i just need someone that knows me like no one else did. i saw him online, i just know he's mature enough to put everything between us behind just for the sake of giving me good opinion and advice. that's all i want and need right now. but that does not mean i want to crawl back in his life, in another episode of the drama. No. i have no intention to be in any of that anymore. 3 years are more than enough. i know that it's not healthy to go back to him and ask for opinion about my new relation but if that is all can do to soothe myself. I don't think long enough, i admit, im not supposed too but i can't help it. im not making any other excuse. i don't hope everyone else to understand the situation but stop pressuring it on me. I'M NOT CONTACTING HIM BECAUSE I WANT TO BE WITH HIM. please put the hatred and anger aside and try to feel what i feel. still, no one else, NO ONE can really feel it the way i do. u may said all u want that u understand how i felt but actually u know nothing about it. not even close.

im still working on cutting off all the connection with him but im doing it step by step. give me some time. Yes, time is all i rely on because that's why i believed. u don't rely in time to make a decision but that doesn't mean i have to be like u. I'm not u. i am fighting it more than other people think i do. do i have to tell everyone that i cried in my heart, in my sleep just to forget him. whenever i missed him, i listed all the bad things he did to me just to make sure i can see clearly enough what a jerk he is. i always try not to think of him, kept my mind busy. avoid myself in replying his message is already hard enough for me. but still, i do it anyways. because i know this is not healthy for me.

for one, just ONE contact i made to him just to hear his opinion about US, make u so mad and think i wanted to go back in his arms. can u put the judgement aside. of all the effort i made to kept myself away from him, u never realized it but for that one time i contacted him, u get all snapped and accused me of trying to hurt you. and u make it clear that this is not about u, but this is about me. what the hell is that?? im asking opinion about US not ME and HIM. put aside what he did to me, but if he's one person that can give me a good point why should i throw it away. oh yeah, u didn't see it that way. u said i should just go to u instead. right! like i can talk to u and asking u opinion about U and ME. can u not get it?

Now everybody's making me feel like i don't deserved to feel anything. i just have to follow what they think it's right for me based on what they know about me. they think they know me well and they know how i felt. my parents wanted me to do this, to do that because they think that's the best for me. my friends think that i suffered long enough with him so i should just forget him. my other friends think that my choice in life is never good enough for me, i should be looking for more, and U, think that i need to cut all the connection right away for the sake of myself, u think i should just consider what my heart feel but not my thought. did u know that even if i deleted all his numbers and cut him off from my life AND if i want him back in my life, i can do it in a minute?? i can just find him again. he's out there. it's not about what i do or i didn't do that counts but it's a matter of how i do it.

Seems like everyone always have the better plan for me, have the better feeling for me, why don't u guys write me a whole-life-timeline on how i should feel in the future, what i should do and whom i should go for advice. that way i can please everyone easily. it would be fair to everyone in my life except for me, but yeah whatever, i don't have any right to feel anything, remember?